Hansel & Gretel’s Great Adventure

Once upon a time a woodcutter lived in a cheery little meadow with his wife and their children, Hansel and Gretel. After the cheery little meadow caught fire one night the woodcutter’s wife disappeared and he lived on with his children and new wife in the not-so-cheery-anymore meadow. Being as the fire took away his job, they quickly ran out of money. As the food supply dwindled the stepmother would argue with the woodcutter. Every night after Hansel and Gretel were tucked in, she would nag that he get rid of the children because they ate so much. Night after night of arguing finally wore the weak father down. The next morning Hansel and Gretel were handed a piece of bread each and headed out with their parents to look for surviving trees that they could, well, kill. At evening they took a break for lunch, their father hugged them lovingly before being dragged away by the stepmother. Hours passed and the sun began to set when they grew bored and decided to go home. The moment they stepped inside their stepmother demanded to know how they got home. Gretel shrugged, “I have photographic memory.” Screaming engulfed the house that night as the stepmother once again made the poor woodcutter agree to her plans.



The following morning Hansel and Gretel were given even smaller slices of bread before heading out. Once again, they took a break at evening for lunch and the woodcutter clung to them before having to walk away. He thought that they would once again return home as they had yesterday. The stepmother, however, had other plans in store. She waited until the woodcutter had returned home then walked over to the children and beat them both over the head with a heavy branch.



Several hours later, Hansel and Gretel awoke with splitting headaches. The sun was only starting to peek over the hills as the dizzy children tried to find their way home. They hopelessly wandered through the forest for hours until they came across a gingerbread house cemented together with icing and decorated with assorted candies. At once the starving children became leeches to their dream house. “Hey, do you think whoever lives here will mind?” Hansel asked as he shoveled more icing to his mouth. “Why would they mind? We’re getting to it before the ants and no one likes ant bites.” Gretel giggled as she slid down candy cane shingles. As she fell off, the front door creaked open and an elderly woman, that just so happened to be a witch, stepped out. “We weren’t doing anything!” Hansel guiltily shouted through his mouth full of gingerbread. The woman’s red eyes sparkled as she replied, “Oh, no, that’s quite alright. You two must be starving, why don’t you come inside?”



“LADY,” Gretel crossed her legs and slouched back in the kitchen chair as she glared, “We’re really not hungry—“

“I’m still hungry…” Hansel interrupted.

“—and we really shouldn’t be here anyways. We need to get home.” She shrugged off Hansel’s interjection as she continued to stare down the witch.

The witch smiled kindly back at her. “Don’t be silly. You can stay here for as long as you like.”

Gretel’s glare turned into a blank look. “You, you’re a pedophile, aren’t you?” the question came out point blank and left an awkwardness in the air as the witch stared blankly back.

“No, no, no, no, no!” witchy lady suddenly jerked from her trance and waved her hands defensively. “Just a kind lady in the middle of the forest to help children in need.”

“Look, lady,” Gretel hopped down from the chair and started dragging Hansel from the chicken pot pie he was pigging out on, “We’ve already suffered from child abandonment and abuse, we don’t need to be messed up by some pedophile. We’ll be going.” She reached for the doorknob when iron gates crashed down in front of the whole house.

“No, dear. I don’t think so.” The witch’s crooked grin revealed the true evil in her eyes. “I’m going to fatten you two up, and then I’m going to eat you.”



Gretel sighed as she leaned against the dungeon wall. “Who’d have thought a candy house would have a pedophile witch and a dungeon?” She picked through Hansel’s leftover apple pie. He was so fat now; the witch fed him almost half his weight everyday. Gretel only received leftover crust and whatever he didn’t inhale. It was likely that she could slip out of her shackles now; but she couldn’t get past those gates without the key the witch always carried.

“She’s just a witch,” Hansel said through his cage bars. “Not a pedophile.”

“Oh? Then why’s she only go after children?” She stared at Hansel. “Oh. That’s right, they’re easy targets.” Sulking, she sat back against the wall and fell asleep.



“WAKE UP!” Gretel once again woke up from a slap to the face. For an old lady she sure could hit hard. “I’m cooking that pig today. Go start the oven.” Seriously foul breath invaded her breathing space as she blinked awake and got up. Her shackles were off; the witch must’ve unlocked them. Gretel stumbled up and walked into the kitchen. She read the oven settings: pastries, animals, children, hellfire. “Huh.” She smirked when the idea popped into her head. “I think it’s broken!”

“What do you mean broken?” the witch grumpily trudged into the room.

“Inside it’s got this thing on the back. It’s broken.” She shrugged.

“What? What thing?”

“A thing.”

Rolling her eyes, the witch commanded, “Open the oven.”

“You’re keys will get you caught on something.”

Keys were pulled from the witch’s waist as she tossed them to the kitchen table. “Open it.”

“I can crawl inside and check.” Gretel offered as she opened the door.

The witch looked over her bony figure. “No, you’ll just break something.” Muttering, she crawled inside the giant oven. Gretel shoved her inside, locked it, and set it to hellfire. Screaming flew from the oven through the house as the flames engulfed the witch’s skeleton.

“Stupid pedo.” Gretel grabbed the keys and started rummaging through the house. She came across rooms filled with spell book and various witchcraft items, gemstones, and gold. She wandered back to the dungeon and set her brother free.



After years of Gretel studying the books and Hansel losing all that weight, they decided to return home. Now teenagers, they took off on a short journey which led them through a land of elves, gnomes, and nymphs before returning home. The small cottage looked the same as they approached, but something was different. A melancholy feeling emanated from it. Gretel swung the creaking door open, the smell of alcohol wafted throughout the house and out the door. “HEY.” She shouted as they stepped inside. Something fell from the couch and landed and empty bottles. An older version of the father they remembered peeked over the couch drowsily. His eyes shot open as they stared at each other. “Dad?” Hansel and Gretel ran towards him. “HANSEL, GRETEL! Oh, how I’ve missed you!” Tears ran down their cheeks as the family reunited.

As they shared dinner that night, Hansel explained to their father how Gretel was now a witch and she had brought all the wealth from the house by using a compact spell. It was more than they could spend in twenty lifetimes. Their father explained how he had axe-murdered their stepmother the night they were abandoned. After the stepmother, he killed the rich who once attacked the poor and all who got in his way. Years later Gretel married the king of thieves and Hansel married a princess from a far away kingdom. They both took care of their now serial killer of a father and with wealth and magic, they lived happily ever after.

Sort of Cinderella

Once upon a time, a mad scientist named Arnold was so unsettling that no one wanted to be around him. He, of course, paid no mind and enjoyed his time blowing the town folks’ houses up and letting loose mutant fish-bears. One day, as one of his fish-bears was cutting his hair, he thought to himself that he had no heir. No one would carry on his shenanigans or take careful care of his friends. “THIS CANNOT BE!” he shouted as he darted out of the chair. Evil genius he was, he devised a plan, shouted orders, and lurched from the room with his newly cut reverse Mohawk.

Following his previous scene, Arnold completely forgot everything the moment he laid eyed on some chocolate chip cookies. After his snack of cookies, milk, and a short game of see-which-villager-can-outrun-the-giant-rabid-bunny-duck, he decided to check his mail. He found a letter addressed to his recently deceased neighbor, the poor man was mauled by an angry mutant bunny, in his mailbox. To his surprise, the king and queen of the kingdom were hosting a ball, obviously the prince needed a bride and his parents needed alone time. Maybe not. He stuck the invitation into his mouth and flipped through the rest on his way back up to the house.

Arnold stared at the invitation for quite some time, it was a lovely thing; the paper was flecked with gold, the calligraphy was perfect, it even smelled nice. He sighed. He never went to these things, but it seemed such a pity to waste. Bear-fish 1, also known as Bear-fish #1, wandered into the room and sat next to him. A brick of memory smashed into Arnold’s face as he remembered he still needed to have an heir. Once again giddy, Arnold swept through the castle in search of blueprints. He wanted a girl. A boy would run around playing with his beakers and burn an arm off, he wasn’t quite sure if it would be his or the boy’s. She would have to be older; but not too old. Finally, he pulled something from his cabinets. Yes, that would do well.

“FLIP THE SWITCH!” he screamed to rabid-bunny-duck as he stood next to the cloth covered corpse. Arnold hoped this would work, he really hoped this would work. The other 576 times were complete failures and frankly, he did not have all day. Electricity soared through the room, setting ablaze something here and there. Lights flashed as she sat up, the fabric crumpled away to reveal her sparkling emerald eyes and wavy blonde hair. She yawned and stretched, taking in her surroundings. Arnold had done it! He had finally created a--oh what are those things called…a daughter! Flowy hair wasn’t something he had. Well, she really looked nothing like him. Maybe he hadn’t thought it through enough, he could have--“Who am I?” his newly, uh, made daughter interrupted his thoughts. Poor Arnold was not used to this for he stumbled back and burned himself on some hot cinders. “OW! You’re, uh, you’re…” he quickly glanced around the room for a name. His hand hurt. “You’re Cinderella.” Arnold squinted and stared, hoping she’d buy that he’d thought ahead or something. She did. Bear-fish 5 crawled into the room with a new poofy dress and plopped it on the table next to Cinderella. He then handed her the invitation and left. She shrugged and started to get ready for the ball.

Prince Deidren sighed as he was forced to dance with each girl his mother thought suitable, which was basically every girl there. His feet were killing him and he wanted to go back to sleep when Cinderella floated through the entrance. Deidren was awestruck, of course. Immobilized, he was unable to avoid the dancers around him and they collided. Cinderella held her laughter down as the queen practically threw her at him. Happily, they danced and danced until she suddenly remembered Arnold telling her to be home by midnight or her dress would turn into carnivorous gift boxes filled with cake. She quickly noticed a clock clearly reading 10:58. She breathed a breath of relief and continued to dance the night away until Deidren cried in surprise as her dress started to fall apart. In her flurry to get away, Cinderella lost her tiny black shoe.

Arnold shook his head when he opened the door to find a half-naked Cinderella and a few boys from the neighborhood trailing after her. He swept her inside and sent death traps after the running and screaming boys. After a stern talking-to, Cinderella collapsed onto her bed and slept soundly throughout the night.

Headlines of the next day’s paper read: Ball Causes Insanity, Hundreds Hospitalized, Others Sent to Institutions. Scientist Arnold smiled as he placed the paper carefully next to his breakfast, maybe his daughter was like him after all. Cinderella drowsily slumped into the dark kitchen, still wearing pajamas. They exchanged good morning nods then she grabbed cereal and Arnold finished his breakfast of toast, eggs, bacon, and orange juicy stuff.

Deidren very much wanted to marry Cinderella, and thus started a quest to find her. He went door to door to try to find the girl the tiny slipper belonged to. Hundreds of women lined up and desperately attempted to cram their feet inside, however, none succeeded. One day Deidren made his way to Arnold’s castle, he was very much frightened by the thunderstorm hovering only above the ancient castle. He came across two young men who looked like they had been brutally attacked; they warned him against going after the girl in the castle. Taking a giant breath, he bravely decided to go anyways. Cinderella, as you would expect, greeted him with great enthusiasm while Arnold very carefully examined him. At once, the prince returned home with Cinderella and they were engaged. They lived happily until a family dispute arose between Deidren’s parents and Arnold right before the wedding. The king forbade Deidren from seeing Cinderella and Arnold forbade Cinderella from seeing Deidren. Instead of dying together, they eloped and lived happily for seven more years. They were found and were once again going to be separated. Tired of running away, they murdered their parents in a giant explosion which they made appear an accident. Deidren took over the throne and they lived together happily ever after.

Rapunzel. I think.

Once upon a time there lived a girl. In a tower. In the middle of a forest. She was visited by one other woman, once a day, to give her necessities. Or at least, that’s what he heard.

“I will rescue this young Damsel!” Prince Edward declared as he smashed his fist against the marble table. He quickly pulled away to nurse his hand in pain.

“Who ever said she needed rescued?” Edward’s best friend, James, yawned as he reclined on the throne and flipped through an old, leather book. “Some people like to be alone, you know?”

“Nonsense!” Edward scoffed, “Anyone would be miserable to never behold my beauty.” He flipped his golden hair over his shoulder and gave James his shining smile.

“Yeah, whatever. I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Without looking up, he shifted in his seat and turned another page. “That’s why you’re seventeen and have never been on a date.”

“I went to a ball with Anna!” He threw one arm in the air then began pacing.

James fought the urge to bubble over in laughter and smiled behind the pages of his book. “Anna’s your mother, dude.”

“And?!”

“Nothing. Just saying.”

“Well. I am going to rescue her, like it or not!” Edward cried as he stomped his foot down and stormed from the room.

“Uh huh. Sure.”




Edward sulked as he trudged through the forest. James hadn’t reminded him to take his horse, what would the maiden think? Princes ALWAYS rode white horses. Well, there was that ONE black spot on the horse; but who would notice? It was-- “OW!” he cried as he painfully slammed into stone. When did that get there?

He took a step back and stared at the colossal building before him. Stone was piled upon stone as the tower reached for the sky. Edward searched the building for an entrance. “WHERE IS THE DOOR?” He wondered aloud. After a total of thirty seconds, he decided that there was no possible way to get in and gave up.

As he started his way back to the castle, he heard a woman call, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me!” He turned back to see hair more golden than his own flowing from a window at the tower and someone climbing up it. “Hm. I think I’ll try that.” Edward started running towards the castle; but was knocked out by a tree branch for his lack of attention.

Groaning, Edward awakened to find the sky now midnight blue. He thought it to be midnight. Rising to his feet, he grunted under his own weight and, with a slight concussion, made his way to the tower. He yelled, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me!” Instantly the locks fell from above and he clumsily climbed up. Once at the top he was dumbstr-- he was stricken by Rapunzel’s gorgeous looks. She gestured for him to move closer and he eagerly did so. She walked up to the window where the prince was already half in, pulled him close, and kissed him. Right before she pushed him.



“What do we have here, gentlemen?” James asked as he sauntered over to the two men, one standing above the blood and the other looking under the white sheet.

The standing one replied, “It looks like the prince somehow climbed to the top, fell down--”

“He wasn’t the brightest…or the most coordinated.” James interjected.

“Yes, well,” the man gave him an odd look, “I don’t believe he fell to his death--”

“Yes,” interrupted the second man, “It would appear a passing bear cub cushioned his fall. Poor thing never saw it coming. The prince seemed to have died by--”

“The furious bear mother mauling him! HA! I said it, I said it! No one interrupted me!” The first man jumped up and down in what appeared to be gloating. James and the second man exchanged looks and shrugged.

“Anything at the top of the tower?” James asked.

“We’re about to find out.” The second man grunted as he and the first man picked up an absurdly long and wide ladder and leaned it against the tower.

James was the first up, closely followed on the sides by the others. They all poked their heads to see through the window simultaneously. The room was covered in dust; no one could have lived there for at least a hundred years.

“Hm.” Said the first one.

“Huh.” Said the second one.

“Told him.” Said James.