Goldilocks and the Three Axe Murderers

Once upon a time there lived a girl with locks that shone like gold and was, very creatively, named Goldilocks. Now Goldilocks came from a very wealthy family. However, her parents did not spoil her. In fact, because of an argument one night, her parents kicked her out of the house when she was only twelve. Goldilocks relied heavily on herself and quick wit for the next four years. Now sixteen and bored, Goldilocks decided to make something of herself, but she didn’t know what to do and thus, took a walk through the woods. Little did Goldilocks know that it was in these woods that three axe murderers lived.

While trudging through the forest and trying to think of something, Goldilocks came across a cottage. In this cottage three seemingly normal people dwelled: a father, a mother, and their son; all were the axe murderers with short tempers, obviously. They had left to go on a short killing spree immediately prior to Goldilocks discovering their home. Goldilocks casually walked up to the door and knocked. She waited a minute and knocked again. She got bored waiting and pulled the door open so that she could peek inside. After seeing nobody was home, she slipped inside and began rummaging through the cupboards for food. After finding some cereal, she walked through the house while eating. She spied the large, medium, and small rocking chairs, beds, clothes, EVERYTHING came in three sizes. Once bored, she left.

Every week she would return, take one thing, and leave. Cereal, a shirt, a lamp; but her favorite was the t.v. remote. She kept a few of the things and the rest she sold to pawn shops. One day the father almost caught her, he caught a glimpse of her in a mirror, blinked, and she was gone. Although she had almost been caught, she continued to take one thing each week. This drove the family insane and gave Goldilocks a sense of purpose.

On the day she turned seventeen, Goldilocks was debating whether to steal a vase or a pen when the father caught her. After a struggle they fell onto the mother’s bed right as she walked in. Panicked, the father said it wasn’t what it looked like, he’d never seen this girl before. Goldilocks contradicted him and said that she had snuck over every week. In a blind rage, the mother sliced him to bits with her giant axe. Soon after the son walked in, the mother, covered in her husband’s blood, turned in shock. The son feared for his life and lopped off her head. Goldilocks stared blankly at him, both now panting and wide eyed. He charged at her, she threw a chair at his legs, he tripped and fell on his own axe. Sighing, Goldilocks got the bleach and garbage bags to clean the mess up. After disposing of the bodies, she sold her previous home and took up residence in the cottage. After a few years of training, she got her dream job as an assassin and lived happily ever after.