Hansel & Gretel’s Great Adventure

Once upon a time a woodcutter lived in a cheery little meadow with his wife and their children, Hansel and Gretel. After the cheery little meadow caught fire one night the woodcutter’s wife disappeared and he lived on with his children and new wife in the not-so-cheery-anymore meadow. Being as the fire took away his job, they quickly ran out of money. As the food supply dwindled the stepmother would argue with the woodcutter. Every night after Hansel and Gretel were tucked in, she would nag that he get rid of the children because they ate so much. Night after night of arguing finally wore the weak father down. The next morning Hansel and Gretel were handed a piece of bread each and headed out with their parents to look for surviving trees that they could, well, kill. At evening they took a break for lunch, their father hugged them lovingly before being dragged away by the stepmother. Hours passed and the sun began to set when they grew bored and decided to go home. The moment they stepped inside their stepmother demanded to know how they got home. Gretel shrugged, “I have photographic memory.” Screaming engulfed the house that night as the stepmother once again made the poor woodcutter agree to her plans.



The following morning Hansel and Gretel were given even smaller slices of bread before heading out. Once again, they took a break at evening for lunch and the woodcutter clung to them before having to walk away. He thought that they would once again return home as they had yesterday. The stepmother, however, had other plans in store. She waited until the woodcutter had returned home then walked over to the children and beat them both over the head with a heavy branch.



Several hours later, Hansel and Gretel awoke with splitting headaches. The sun was only starting to peek over the hills as the dizzy children tried to find their way home. They hopelessly wandered through the forest for hours until they came across a gingerbread house cemented together with icing and decorated with assorted candies. At once the starving children became leeches to their dream house. “Hey, do you think whoever lives here will mind?” Hansel asked as he shoveled more icing to his mouth. “Why would they mind? We’re getting to it before the ants and no one likes ant bites.” Gretel giggled as she slid down candy cane shingles. As she fell off, the front door creaked open and an elderly woman, that just so happened to be a witch, stepped out. “We weren’t doing anything!” Hansel guiltily shouted through his mouth full of gingerbread. The woman’s red eyes sparkled as she replied, “Oh, no, that’s quite alright. You two must be starving, why don’t you come inside?”



“LADY,” Gretel crossed her legs and slouched back in the kitchen chair as she glared, “We’re really not hungry—“

“I’m still hungry…” Hansel interrupted.

“—and we really shouldn’t be here anyways. We need to get home.” She shrugged off Hansel’s interjection as she continued to stare down the witch.

The witch smiled kindly back at her. “Don’t be silly. You can stay here for as long as you like.”

Gretel’s glare turned into a blank look. “You, you’re a pedophile, aren’t you?” the question came out point blank and left an awkwardness in the air as the witch stared blankly back.

“No, no, no, no, no!” witchy lady suddenly jerked from her trance and waved her hands defensively. “Just a kind lady in the middle of the forest to help children in need.”

“Look, lady,” Gretel hopped down from the chair and started dragging Hansel from the chicken pot pie he was pigging out on, “We’ve already suffered from child abandonment and abuse, we don’t need to be messed up by some pedophile. We’ll be going.” She reached for the doorknob when iron gates crashed down in front of the whole house.

“No, dear. I don’t think so.” The witch’s crooked grin revealed the true evil in her eyes. “I’m going to fatten you two up, and then I’m going to eat you.”



Gretel sighed as she leaned against the dungeon wall. “Who’d have thought a candy house would have a pedophile witch and a dungeon?” She picked through Hansel’s leftover apple pie. He was so fat now; the witch fed him almost half his weight everyday. Gretel only received leftover crust and whatever he didn’t inhale. It was likely that she could slip out of her shackles now; but she couldn’t get past those gates without the key the witch always carried.

“She’s just a witch,” Hansel said through his cage bars. “Not a pedophile.”

“Oh? Then why’s she only go after children?” She stared at Hansel. “Oh. That’s right, they’re easy targets.” Sulking, she sat back against the wall and fell asleep.



“WAKE UP!” Gretel once again woke up from a slap to the face. For an old lady she sure could hit hard. “I’m cooking that pig today. Go start the oven.” Seriously foul breath invaded her breathing space as she blinked awake and got up. Her shackles were off; the witch must’ve unlocked them. Gretel stumbled up and walked into the kitchen. She read the oven settings: pastries, animals, children, hellfire. “Huh.” She smirked when the idea popped into her head. “I think it’s broken!”

“What do you mean broken?” the witch grumpily trudged into the room.

“Inside it’s got this thing on the back. It’s broken.” She shrugged.

“What? What thing?”

“A thing.”

Rolling her eyes, the witch commanded, “Open the oven.”

“You’re keys will get you caught on something.”

Keys were pulled from the witch’s waist as she tossed them to the kitchen table. “Open it.”

“I can crawl inside and check.” Gretel offered as she opened the door.

The witch looked over her bony figure. “No, you’ll just break something.” Muttering, she crawled inside the giant oven. Gretel shoved her inside, locked it, and set it to hellfire. Screaming flew from the oven through the house as the flames engulfed the witch’s skeleton.

“Stupid pedo.” Gretel grabbed the keys and started rummaging through the house. She came across rooms filled with spell book and various witchcraft items, gemstones, and gold. She wandered back to the dungeon and set her brother free.



After years of Gretel studying the books and Hansel losing all that weight, they decided to return home. Now teenagers, they took off on a short journey which led them through a land of elves, gnomes, and nymphs before returning home. The small cottage looked the same as they approached, but something was different. A melancholy feeling emanated from it. Gretel swung the creaking door open, the smell of alcohol wafted throughout the house and out the door. “HEY.” She shouted as they stepped inside. Something fell from the couch and landed and empty bottles. An older version of the father they remembered peeked over the couch drowsily. His eyes shot open as they stared at each other. “Dad?” Hansel and Gretel ran towards him. “HANSEL, GRETEL! Oh, how I’ve missed you!” Tears ran down their cheeks as the family reunited.

As they shared dinner that night, Hansel explained to their father how Gretel was now a witch and she had brought all the wealth from the house by using a compact spell. It was more than they could spend in twenty lifetimes. Their father explained how he had axe-murdered their stepmother the night they were abandoned. After the stepmother, he killed the rich who once attacked the poor and all who got in his way. Years later Gretel married the king of thieves and Hansel married a princess from a far away kingdom. They both took care of their now serial killer of a father and with wealth and magic, they lived happily ever after.